(EST 4 min reading time)
You’re at the park with your toddler, or visiting family, or in mommy-and-me class:
-How do you feel about telling your toddler it’s time to go?
(Are you preparing for an epic meltdown or endless negotiations?)
-What happens when your toddler asks for another treat at grandma's?
(Are you exhausted that you even have to justify saying “no” to more sweets?)
-How about when your little one approaches others in your baby music class?
(Does your body tense up because you’re afraid your child will be too rough?)
These are the scenarios that can leave you feeling drained whether you stick to the boundary you drew or whether you give in. It’s a lose-lose.
Unless...
Unless you do a little deep digging, make an adjustment of your goals, and practice self-awareness.
Drawing and holding a boundary is only one part of the journey.
Let’s talk about how to make it easier for your child AND you to live within the healthy, loving boundaries that you set.
1) Deep Digging
Explore your own relationship with the word “no”
-How do you feel when you have to deny your child something?
-Now, how did it feel as a child when your parents didn’t let you have something?
-Or, did they actually rarely say ‘no’?
“What feelings come up when your child pushes boundaries?”
Two mothers answered that question here at Mi Casa Es Tu Casa:
One felt like ‘the bad guy’ every time she had to say ‘no’.
The other one felt proud of herself for saying ‘no’!
So what is causing these completely different experiences of the same situation? The answer lies in our childhood story.
The mama who feels bad remembered that, when she was a child, she was told ‘no’ perhaps more times than needed. And the ‘no’ wasn’t always accompanied with any elements that made her feel acknowledged or understood. So, today, she relates boundaries with a feeling of unfairness, disappointment, and disconnection.
The mama who feels proud remembered that, growing up, she never got a straight answer. Instead, her own mother would react with anger and set no clear boundaries. So, today, she relates boundaries with anger and feeling wobbly and insecure.
Did either experience resonate with you?
The way we act today as parents is heavily influenced by our own childhood experiences whether we are conscious of them or not.
Mama #1 Understands the importance of accompanying boundaries with dignity and empathy for her child’s feelings. This helps her go the extra mile to explain why they cannot do or have something. This helps her set a steady boundary without feeling like she is sacrificing her relationship with her little one.
So…
2) Clear Goals
Your job is to set boundaries. A child’s job is to push back on them.
(read that again!)
When you refocus on helping your child learn healthy boundaries instead of keeping them happy, it becomes easier.
While getting here requires some inner work, you will only be able to have true clarity around your goal if you have address where your feelings are coming from. Even if setting the boundary still feels uncomfortable.
Mama #2 Has a very clear objective in her mind: “I am modeling how to say no to unhealthy behavior so that when I am not around, he is well prepared to face the world and set his own boundaries firmly.”
So, what to do with the big emotions, meltdowns, crying, screaming, mean faces that might come as a reaction to your boundaries?
Validate your child, hold them, help them process all the feelings. Hear them. In your mind's eye, imagine a space around them that is safe to let the energy of that emotion get out of their bodies.
Check in with yourself.. Your body will always tell you how you really are… Breathe.
And remember/repeat “I am safe, this is not an emergency” as many times as it takes to relax your own body.
And then continue to hold your boundary with love and understanding
Here's an example of how to both validate your child and hold your boundary:
“You want that toy so badly! What is it that you like most about it? It squeaks! How fun! AND…
…we can put it on your gift list, that way we can come back to it!” (learn more in our blog post here.)
…we need to think more about it.”
…today we are just here to buy milk.”
…I need to be in a better place to make that decision so I’ll need more time.”
If you have a BABY, this formula still works and it is wonderful practice for you!
The acknowledgment and validation will happen through facial expression mirroring and your tone of voice. “Yes, baby, you want that toy, I know, I see it too!” The outlet is more physical instead of imaginary. Offer a hug to your baby and say: “I am right here, I can give you a hug and hold this emotion for you. We are safe”.
3) Self-awareness
Setting healthy boundaries requires you to be in a good place.
Before heading to a store, visiting family, or going to the park with your baby, make sure you’ve eaten, you are well hydrated, and try to be free from deadlines so you’re not anxious. If you are feeling drained, tired or in a bad mood, it will pay off to choose to go at a different time.
Have clear expectations in your mind about what the trip is for and how long you are staying, or how much money you’ll spend.
Talk with your little one about the expectations too. “Remember we are only getting xyz. Today the toys will stay on the shelves instead of our cart”.
If you feel confident, prepared, and in a good place, your child is more likely to accept a boundary the first or second time. If they detect any wobbliness, inconsistency, or hesitancy, the “battle” gets drawn out.
We know that it’s hard to see our children be so upset. But here, with you, is the perfect place for your child to practice feeling frustrated.
It is fair and valid if you avoid taking them to places where there might be sweets or toys or an environment that is tough to navigate. But remember there is also immeasurable value in the experience of practicing the skills needed to deal with frustration.
With your loving guidance, they can learn the appropriate tools, develop self-regulation through YOUR co-regulation, and learn how to establish healthy and firm boundaries when they grow up.
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Want to Gift More Experiences & Fewer "Stuff"?
Mi Casa Es Tu Casa® has Gift Cards
There’s nothing more satisfying than giving a friend or family member something that you yourself love. Or feeling like you found the exact right gift for someone.
Mi Casa Es Tu Casa® has gift cards for any amount from the cost of 1 drop-in baby music class, to the cost of an entire enrollment.
When you purchase a gift card, we make it easy for the recipient to claim their gift funds. They’ll have an account created for them so that the funds are applied automatically at check out.
Send an e-card, or a physical gift card.
Our children don’t really need more stuff (except, books! We all need more books!). What they need is more time connecting and bonding deeply with their caretakers and other humans who love them.
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What is Mi Casa Es Tu Casa®?
Founded in 2017 by Laura Bruce, a mom with a degree in clinical psychology, Mi Casa Es Tu Casa®’s program has touched over 5 thousand families over the years near and far!
On the surface, we are a Spanish immersion music program for families with babies 0-4. We use our own, high-quality (Latin Grammy-nominated) music along with movement, sign language, and props to build community and develop the whole child.
Look a little deeper and you’ll find that Mi Casa Es Tu Casa®’s program is fueled by our mission to eradicate childhood trauma.
We know that the only way to do this is to wholeheartedly support mothers and caregivers in the process of creating a healthy environment full of love and respect where children can develop their own sense of self.
You can learn more about how to join us in person in Austin, TX or from your own home here
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